It was simply not an option for him right now - to admit what he had given up. He was willing to accept that his life was mostly others (Caterina) making his choices for him, but if he admitted why he simply followed orders instead of fighting then he would have to look at why he made that choice. Why he had decided to fall into line. It would mean acknowledging more about Caterina than Lucanis could handle. And she was dead now, anyway, so what did it matter? Why bring up that pain all over again when he had figured out how to survive it?

'I don't need time, I need a target' he had said, immediately after finding out she had been killed, mere hours after escaping where he was imprisoned and tortured for a year.

He did not need to think, to feel. He needed to work.

"Right now, I am going to finish the contract I was given," he said, harsh. "And I am going to get my revenge on Zara for what she has done. The rest does not matter."

Maybe he would die in the process of one of those. That also didn't matter. Spite screamed and howled and Lucanis wiped blood away from his nose again, turning on his heel to go to the nearest alleyway where he knew there was a handhold back up to the roofs. The fastest way out of the city.